i thought today i could function, like normal, even for a few hours, compartmentalize,
finally clean my dishes + the sink + take out the very unacceptable trash + unpack the bag from over a month ago that
is still not unpacked. the one with my childhood stuff. the overflow, nonessentials bag.
stands in front of my closet mirror with a pile of clothes on top.
i thought that i could ‘get ahead’ of how this war would affect me,
stay in my own body, and regulated,
and finally climb out of the weeks-long fatigue episode.
but i didn’t know i’d find out, in my 15-20 minutes of exposing myself to the news,
(and i’ll keep this brief, because i know those of us invested are over-saturated)
-Hamas’ threat to brutally kill hostages on camera for every rocket fired
-an image of an Israeli woman sobbing over her family member taken hostage
-an image of a Palestinian father holding his dead daughter amidst rubble
-the sheer death toll, already
-the threat of war coming from the north, in Lebanon, which could compromise my best friend’s safety, her daughters, and what if her husband gets drafted?
-the large implications of all that’s unknown
-bibi - that fucking prick - promising to retaliate in such a way ‘the enemy’ knows never to do it again. repression and oppression of palestinians is not working, destroying more to retaliate is ineffective and unjustifiable war crimes,
de-escalate, you fuck. *sacred prayer emoji*
-how every American Jew, Israeli and Palestinian I know is in horror, counting the damage - personal, and collective - grieving and in bated breath for what’s to come
-how I didn’t mean to text some close friends while dysregulated, but I did any way
-how I remembered, on a walk under a tree, to call my Israeli neighbor and she sounded so very tired but so grateful for the call, and we’re going to walk together in an hour
-how after writing all this, I think I’ll just wash enough dishes to make a comforting soup, and try again tomorrow:
to be a person trying to function individually, amidst collective heartbreak.
three good things, any way: 1. my toes feel cold, and i like it.
2. i’m wearing my favorite big Janis Joplin t-shirt, it’s really comfy
3. last night, amidst everything, i literally did a happy dance when i got an ice cream sandwich and curled into bed to watch new girl- the perfect comfort watch right now.
i marvelled at my own healing, that i can still feel personal joy and pleasure,
a biological necessity for health and life force.
emotionally fluidity is a sign of biological health.
never feel shame for your joy. never feel guilt.
that’s a manipulation and a misunderstanding of human life force.
you and i can hold our individual experiences, alongside the collective’s,
each can be separate, and exist all at once,
and that nuance is a marker of health-
of being a whole, true, human person.
prayers to get the Israeli hostages back safely, and speedily.
prayers for Palestinian safety and health, in the short-term and longterm.
prayers for short-term de-escalation, and long-term resolution.
prayers of solace for all in loss and suffering.
there really aren’t enough prayers, but here’s my favorite one in hebrew:
Lo Yisa Goy El Goy Cherev, Lo Yilmidu Od Milchamah:
Nation will not take up sword against nation,
We will not teach war any more.
Here’s the most beautiful version of this song I know, by my friend Aviva Chernik:
Let it move your body, if you’re called. It’s safe to feel both grief and joy.
And now, I’m going to make some soup.
be true.
melanie zoey
ps - if you read this, can you please write back, like, or comment?
it helps to hear signs of life.
Thank-you for writing, even tho there are times when words can only do so much. Prayers to you, to Israel and Palestine, for us all.
Thank you. I’m exhausted. Sending love.