or so i thought (lo yisa goy)

i thought today i could function, like normal, even for a few hours, compartmentalize,

finally clean my dishes + the sink + take out the very unacceptable trash + unpack the bag from over a month ago that

is still not unpacked. the one with my childhood stuff. the overflow, nonessentials bag.

stands in front of my closet mirror with a pile of clothes on top.

i thought that i could ‘get ahead’ of how this war would affect me,

stay in my own body, and regulated,

and finally climb out of the weeks-long fatigue episode.

but i didn’t know i’d find out, in my 15-20 minutes of exposing myself to the news,

(and i’ll keep this brief, because i know those of us invested are over-saturated)

-Hamas’ threat to brutally kill hostages on camera for every rocket fired

-an image of an Israeli woman sobbing over her family member taken hostage

-an image of a Palestinian father holding his dead daughter amidst rubble

-the sheer death toll, already

-the threat of war coming from the north, in Lebanon, which could compromise my best friend’s safety, her daughters, and what if her husband gets drafted?

-the large implications of all that’s unknown

-bibi - that fucking prick - promising to retaliate in such a way ‘the enemy’ knows never to do it again. repression and oppression of palestinians is not working, destroying more to retaliate is ineffective and unjustifiable war crimes,

de-escalate, you fuck. *sacred prayer emoji*

-how every American Jew, Israeli and Palestinian I know is in horror, counting the damage - personal, and collective - grieving and in bated breath for what’s to come

-how I didn’t mean to text some close friends while dysregulated, but I did any way

-how I remembered, on a walk under a tree, to call my Israeli neighbor and she sounded so very tired but so grateful for the call, and we’re going to walk together in an hour

-how after writing all this, I think I’ll just wash enough dishes to make a comforting soup, and try again tomorrow:

to be a person trying to function individually, amidst collective heartbreak.

---

three good things, any way: 1. my toes feel cold, and i like it.

2. i’m wearing my favorite big Janis Joplin t-shirt, it’s really comfy

3. last night, amidst everything, i literally did a happy dance when i got an ice cream sandwich and curled into bed to watch new girl- the perfect comfort watch right now.

i marvelled at my own healing, that i can still feel personal joy and pleasure,

a biological necessity for health and life force.

emotionally fluidity is a sign of biological health.

never feel shame for your joy. never feel guilt.

that’s a manipulation and a misunderstanding of human life force.

you and i can hold our individual experiences, alongside the collective’s,

each can be separate, and exist all at once,

and that nuance is a marker of health-

of being a whole, true, human person.

---

prayers to get the Israeli hostages back safely, and speedily.

prayers for Palestinian safety and health, in the short-term and longterm.

prayers for short-term de-escalation, and long-term resolution.

prayers of solace for all in loss and suffering.

there really aren’t enough prayers, but here’s my favorite one in hebrew:

Lo Yisa Goy El Goy Cherev, Lo Yilmidu Od Milchamah:

Nation will not take up sword against nation,

We will not teach war any more.

Here’s the most beautiful version of this song I know, by my friend Aviva Chernik:

Let it move your body, if you’re called. It’s safe to feel both grief and joy.

And now, I’m going to make some soup.

---

be true.

melanie zoey

ps - if you read this, can you please write back, like, or comment?

it helps to hear signs of life.