hi there pals-
i’m embracing a moment of breath after completing a marathon project:
decluttering my bedroom, 2nd bedroom, bathroom and linen closet.
there’s still the rest of the apartment to do - but wow does this feel amazing!
i’m also wrapping up on a pilot, and joined a gym.
the chance in routine has me spending less time pondering-
it seems like my rhythm is that i write these substacks when i’m sick and unwell, writing to you is a way of keeping myself company when i’m knocked down.
but in good news: in the past month i have been getting back up.
a lot.
often.
i’m learning how to sense my own safety and track my own symptoms before they become severe. this is a goddamn miracle.
i have fought so hard for this moment - for years.
i don’t want to jinx it, but it feels like there’s no turning back from my recent gains.
i know, i know, chronic illnesses are chronic-
but this transformation is starting to feel unshakable.
not that i won’t get symptoms or fatigue,
but i’m learning how to get back up, and quickly, again.
cause for celebration.
and acknowledgment of evolution.
last night i was walking with my partner and i said:
“i’m not really feral - and i’m not really a masochist.”
perhaps it’s time for a rebrand.
or a new story.
when i started this substack i was embracing the fact that to be myself, to make my art, and be seen in my truth was an inevitably deeply painful thing.
through a few more years of somatic-based trauma therapy,
and crisis-induced growth this past summer which catapulted me into a new stratosphere of relational capacity-
i no longer feel that to be myself is a painful thing.
*hallelujah*
*angels singing*
an example.
this past birthday i sobbed because it was the best birthday of my life.
i felt like i loved my friends, and they loved me, and i felt so safe to be myself.
it was not painful at all to be in relationship.
it was safe.
it was good.
it was normal.
it was…fine.
i felt able to take in the love that was there for me.
that was totally unprecedented.
so here i am, with a new lease on life before me.
and i want to make it count by being good and honest, living with integrity, and working really, really really hard to build my dreams-
but also contribute to society with high quality art-and-media-making.
and i want to thank you and every person who has contributed to this healing.
the resources provided by my parents.
my therapist.
every doctor.
every friend who stayed on the phone with me through every flare.
the suicide hotlines.
the art i’ve made and the artists who have made them with me.
yes, life is painful.
and yes, i’m a *bit* of a sexual masochist.
but i no longer feel masochistic in my relationship to my life-
or my art.
and while i do have some real feral elements to me, i’m growing in my desire to complete artistic projects and bring them to the world with professionalism.
you know, like a socialized adult.
so…
i don’t know if i’ll be changing the name of the substack.
but i did want you to know that things are evolving,
i am evolving, and this will show up here, too as we discover how this space fits into my vision for my next chapter.
and as this all evolves, i thank you kindly and deeply for witnessing.
thank you.
sending you blessings on your own evolution-
and tons of celebrating along the way!
and if you’re jewish, or celebrate:
shabbat shalom <3
melanie zoey
Love reading these words. XOXO